Transformers: Dark of the Moon 3D

Has there been a more categorically slutty movie than Michael Bay’s “Transformers: Dark of the Moon’’? In the opening 75 of its 151 minutes, this happens: Apollo 11, Walter Cronkite, Neil Armstrong, Presidents Kennedy, Nixon, and Obama, Buzz Aldrin (in the flesh), the Middle East, Chernobyl, African Savanna, Shia LaBeouf, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, Patrick Dempsey, Autobots, Decepticons, Bill O’Reilly, John Turturro, Hermes Birkin bags, the Department of Health and Human Services, and something called the Ark. The only restraint Bay exercises is not playing “We Didn’t Start the Fire’’ — and that’s only because, for him, it’d be untrue. He more than starts a fire. He concocts a climactic war that flattens downtown Chicago. Bay is such a little boy’s director. You know he picked that city because it’s the one with the best rock-’em-sock-’em street names. Wacker! Wabash!